Thursday's are for Singles

Today’s topic was scheduled to be singleness. What a daunting topic to speak of, especially in a culture where people are being single is considered somewhat of a weakness, especially in Brazil. I have a story that I often tell, that helps explain how people here, especially within the church view singleness. Once, a couple of years ago I was visiting a project in one of the suburbs here in Recife. It was a brilliant project. A Pastor from the interior had started a little rehabilitation centre. He basically had bought a house, and took in people who wanted to get drug free and they lived together as family. This project had grown and been going on for a couple of years. His success rates where at last five times higher than those of the state-run centres. At this time, he had some 20 plus young men living at the centre. We all sat down to meet the men, in a big circle, on the sidewalk, and right out into the street, and the Pastor asked all the young men to introduce themselves, and to tell us a little about their addiction. So we were going around the circle, hearing one sad story of how drugs had ravaged the life of all these young men, their families and communities. As we were going around the circle, we finally got to me, and I explained who I was and where I was from, and then the Pastor asked me, ‘Are you married’ and I replied in the negative, then he asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I replied in the negative again, and feeling slightly uncomfortable at this point, as I didn’t really know why this was something I needed to share with this particular group, at this particular time. It was quickly made worse by the extreme surprise reactions from the majority of the people there (and this is not because I am such a great catch, but because by my age, I should have just found SOMEONE to marry). The Pastor then decided that, in the midst of all these stories of drug abuse and communities torn asunder, that these men should all stop and pray about the one situation that was worse than all of their situations – my singlness.

This basically sums up a general disposition towards singleness that I encountered here, but there is a form of this, perhaps little diluted, but still prevalent in the UK. Especially within the church. So, at this point, Tomas, a week before our day for couples, decided it would be important for someone to speak to the single’s in the church. And the best person to do that would be me. And this wasn’t a half hour little talk. But a three hour seminar. I had a week to prepare a three hour seminar about singleness. Those that know me will know that this was not an easy week for me. I texted as many people as I could for material or testimonials, ultimately I was put on to a book about singleness by Marshall Segal. The books I called ‘Not yet Married’.  I whole heartedly recommend this book for anyone not yet married. Of course there are some Americanisms that drive me crazy, but theologically this book is an in-depth look into relationships and their purposes in Gods Kingdom. I don’t want to ruin the book for you, but I do want to outline some quick concepts for you, about the things that we talked about in our seminar (which by the way went really well, and after hearing peoples stories and the things that they struggle with and the things that they rejoice in, I really believe more people should be having these conversations).

We have Become Selfish- In today’s society, we want things to be like we see them in the movies, and we do not want to wait for them, and we want them because we WANT them. We have become selfish and impatient, and this is hurting us. We want to be loved, but we don’t really know what the means. And we have become sceptical of marriage, due, probably in part to high divorce rates, most of us have in one way or the other been affected by broken families and the pain that this causes.

Jesus askes more of us – He asks more than this me-generation is offering, but he does so “to secure something far better for us”. Although it is not a bad thing to desire marriage, we are made for so much more than being in a relationship. This should not be our end goal. Ultimately a relationship or a marriage will “never satisfy or fulfil your deepest needs and cravings”.

Invest in your community

Sometimes people live with this idea that one they are married they will grow up, become more responsible, as if this is the high boss level of a video game, marriage does not “unlock God’s plans purposes for you”. Singles are not less valuable for the kingdom, or their communities. People who ae single have great opportunities and resources to be able to help their communities. They have the power of their unqualified ‘yes’, the ability to go out and do radical things, without having other commitments, they have time and they have disposable income to be able to invest in their communities in ways that are game-changing. The single experience is an experience of great opportunity. Do not begrudge it, and take the time you have and use it well.

I am not saying that this is an easy situation, and of course there are specific potholes for the life of singles, loneliness being one of the most commonly recited complaints. I don’t want to belittle people’s suffering in this situation – and Segal does give you 10 promises for your suffering in his book (enough with the book review?), but one of the things that I believe to be important, is that even if we are not currently in a romantic relationship, we ARE indeed called to relationships in general, with people in all walks of life, look at the people in your life now, invest in them, invest in other single’s in your age range, invest in married couples, invest in couples with children (this is such a gift!) invest in the lives of people who have been married of 50 plus years, invest in widows, invest in your community. Just because you might not be in your own long term romantic relationship, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be investing in other long term relationships.

Statistically most people reading this blog (and Marshall’s book) will eventually be married, and although there are people who are called to life of singlness, or a longer period of singleness, the majority of people will not be. So if this is your current situation, use it the best possible advantage that you have, don’t despair in it, but recognise the gifts that were given to you in this time.

“In your presence, there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forever-more” (Psalm 16:11)

Living in Recife: We were talking a little yesterday about the how open Brazilians are. Living in Brazil you have to be ready to share what’s happening in your life, and also, perhaps even more difficult is to be open to listening to others share with you. Here we are often regaled with stories about people’s bowl movements on buses, or at work, or in the middle of saying their vows. Whereas that would be a topic of discussion that we would only have amongst close friends rather than I groups of people, that we might not even know. Other examples of this, is when in meetings women would share their menstrual cycle issues – which shocks me for more reasons than I have time to detail here. The most recent examples of this is when a friend was in hospital recently here and he had got a more urgent wrist band than some others in the waiting room (which is a fun practise too, all the patients get wristbands of different colours depending on the level of their emergency!), and the other people in the waiting room asked them what they were in for! I mean imagine sitting in the hospital and being asked, by another patient your medical history. Ha. Not something we are comfortable with. He was in for a cat bite. Sorry. I now felt that I should share with you. I’m becoming more Brazilian. I am not saying that this is necessarily a negative, in fact I am not sure that this is a negative at all, I think that being more open and vulnerable with people creates more in-depth relationships and more general awareness in the world.